Sorry

(Written after a fairly vocal argument/conflict with my mother)

I’m sorry,
That I don’t know any other way to express myself
I’m sorry,
That it always seems to end up with us yelling at each other

I wish I could express myself better
I wish I could tell you how I feel.

But because you weren’t there for me
Because you missed me growing up
Because you were virtually absent during my childhood,

I don’t know how to talk to you
I don’t know how to express myself
I don’t know how to tell you that I’m sick and tired of the yelling
I don’t know how to tell you that you need to treat your own mother better
I don’t know how to tell you why I feel this way
I don’t know how to tell you how sad I always am
I don’t know how to tell you how angry I get
I don’t know how to tell you that it’s because of our splintering family
I don’t know how to tell you anything
I don’t know.

And so it always comes to this:
Things boil over,
Tensions rise,
And I can handle it no longer
And I lose it.

And for that, I’m sorry.

Dreams of the Past

Sometimes,
I will wake up from the strangest of dreams
I will wake up from a dream of the past
I will dream of things from days long gone
I will dream of things that will be no more
I will dream of things that could have been
I will dream of things that will never happen again.

I will create a situation, in my mind
I will create this situation, purely hypothetical
I will create this situation, as if the past never happened
I will create this situation, as if things had gone differently.
I will create this situation, as if we were still together.

I will realize, then, that this dream is wrong
I will realize, that this would never happen
I will realize, that I am better off nowI will realize, that I made the right choice
I will realize, that this is all in the past
I will realize, that it’s better this way.

And it’s time I moved on.

Autumn, L’automne, Otoño, Herbst

Regardless of what language it’s in, it’s the same – the feeling of Fall is a universal feeling.

And in my opinion, it’s the perfect season. The world is suddenly filled with vibrant colors, and you’re caught up in the middle of it. As the leaves fall, the temperature is still perfect to be outdoors. It’s cool, crisp, yet still warm. It’s perfect for going out and enjoying life.

The magic of the world is at your fingertips, and all you have to do is go out and enjoy it.

 

I like to sit outside, in the slight breeze, the warm sun on my face, watching the leaves fall. Oftentimes, I’ll quietly contemplate the things that are on my mind while enjoying the world. This peace helps me focus my thoughts, and calm myself as well.

 


Welp, I’m not really sure what the overall purpose of this was. Damn.

When Life Gives You Shit, Make Lemonade

La vie est merde.

I wrote that as part of a French composition a few weeks ago. It was kind of as a joke, but kind of because I realize that it is completely true. Life absolutely sucks, and if you don’t accept that, then there is something inherently wrong with you. I would probably call you insane.
Stupid shit happens sometimes.
You might run into a completely crazy person.
Your friends might do stupid things.
You might do stupid things.

Point is: eventually, there will come a point in your life in which you realize that the “real world” that everyone told you to look forward to really sucks. You have to actually put up with everything, regardless of how unfair it may seem.

However, there is a happy side to this. While life is absolute shit, it’s absolutely wonderful shit. Once you realize that this is all you have, you will realize that you must make the most of it. Life is whatever you make of the shit that it hands you. So make the most of it, and you’ll have a good time.

Thoughts on the Boy Scouts of America’s anti-Gay Policies

I am currently a life scout in the Boy Scouts of America, and am working towards Eagle. I’ve always enjoyed scouting, not only for the great adventures and opportunities offered, but for the values that it teaches.

The Scout Oath and Law are great moral guidelines for life which teach us how to be good people. We learn that it’s important to be inclusive of others, and accept everyone for who they are, and realized their value.

However, the Boy Scouts of America no longer fully supports this viewpoint. By deliberately excluding members, they are saying that it is okay to discriminate against others. They are teaching America’s youth that equal rights do not, and should not exist in America. They are teaching that if someone is gay or atheist, then they ought to be discriminated against.

These are not the values that Scouting was founded upon, and the Boy Scouts of America should be ashamed of itself.

“It’s all about having fun”

“Winning isn’t everything”
“You’re all winners”
“You’ll all get participation ribbons anyways.”

Bullshit. That’s all a crock of shit. And it’s that type of attitude that is ruining our society.

“Oh, but we don’t want to be hard on anyone. It just wouldn’t be fair.” True, it wouldn’t be fair. And yes, some people might be disappointed. You’re absolutely right. However, we’ve become stuck in this mentality that losing, and that being disappointed, that those are bad things. I disagree completely. While it certainly is a bummer to lose something, think of the inspiration that it can bring.
Sure, you’ll be sad during the moment, but what about once the moment has passed?

You’ll be inspired.
Inspired to work harder.
Inspired to improve yourself.
Inspired to push yourself further.
Inspired to be better.

It’s this type of thinking that drives innovation – a constant strive to do better. All it takes is one person, who may have lost before, saying “No. I will not continue like this. I will do better.” and they will begin to improve themselves.
Conversely, if we just let everyone see themselves as winners, even if they don’t deserve that title, that inspiration is no longer created. People will get used to being recognized, even if they didn’t do anything. They know that regardless of how well they perform, they’ll be rewarded. Thus, they won’t strive for self-improvement, and will live the rest of their lives being completely mediocre, never seeing the potential to be better.

So now we, as a society, have a decision to make. We can continue with this attitude, and avoid a small amount of disappointment, but  raise a generation of completely average and uninspired children. Or, we can opt to allow a small amount of disappointment, with the knowledge that it will inspire a generation of hard-working, determined, and inspired children.

Which choice will you make?

“‘It’s all about having fun’, but winning is really fun.”

Your Smile

I noticed, from the first day we met
I noticed, as it radiated and filled the room
I noticed, but you didn’t

It was always there, the epitome of you
All of your beauty culminating in one feature
The very face of perfection

And a sense of reassurance too —
An island in the ocean of dispair
A beacon, saying “it’s going to be okay”

And one day, it was different
Not just something I caught out of the corner of my eye
One day, it was actually for me.